An Epiphany (one of many)

May 22, 2009

The other day my best friends house got broken into and the only thing stolen out was my laptop bag containing my external drives with all my personal pics, modeling pics, journal and other personal items…It was a situation that instantly I knew had something to do with me and there was something I have to get out of it…

Ever since my stuff got stolen I’ve had it in my head that I can get something beneficial from this…I was never upset at the incident to begin with, never even had thoughts really of who did it and they need to be punished, it was always this has something to do with me so the heavy feeling I had for a couple of days had to do with me figuring out what I could personally get out of this for me….

that nite I pulled an angel card on the situation and I got the Goddess of Justice

What seems an injustice is actually a blessing…a recent event u perceive to be an injustice is actually a blessing in disguise here to guide u towards ur highest purpose..it is understandable u cannot see the blessings at this time however the goddess of justice is asking u to surrender the strong emotions and resentments u have attached to it…..trust and let go of the issue and your path will be cleared the create the space for something wondrous to occur

well one of the messages I get out of this situation is that my head was full of alot of new creative ideas, however I was stuck in a rut telling myself I had to get rid of all the old stuff before I could even begin to put the new ideas and creations up….the only problem with that is the old stuff was not motivating me at all and I was lolligagging and stalling and yet in my head I was determined not to move forward till all the old stuff was taken care of…well it seems as if I don’t have that problem anymore…its all pretty much gone now and I can get the new stuff I had back and keep doing more of the new creative things I have been working on…..

The really important message I got came with doing alot of internal reflecting on the situation….my pops was trying to cheer me up and he told me to really think about the worst possible thing that could happen and of course its that somebody will release some things on me that I don’t want out…and it has nothing do with some of the yoni shots I been taking…I plan to use some of those anyways….the real FEAR of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks last night….

Over the years people have made comments along the lines of you don’t never take a bad pic and I joke around and be like..I do, ya’ll will just never see them or what not…or I go into panic attacks when I have to leave it up to a magazine or a photographer to use pics of me and I have no control of whats going out there where I can’t selectively put what I want out there…its like along the lines of what sonja was saying yesterday about her epiphany about self worth and all of these external ideas we put on ourselves that makes us worthy…I have an image that I desperately try to control so that ONLY a certain part of me is seen….and the real fear I have of anybody using my stuff is that they will look past all the “pretty” and go to the bad, the ugly and the crazy looking and be like…look at her for real….the photos that I gasp over and be like o no…the ones that aren’t perfect, or flattering, or where in my head I’ve decided I look like a wallabean monster or my brother with a wig on or something…..

so over the past year as I have been working on being open and I know that whatever I do in the future will entail me having to be an example to others I know that being completely open, completely vulnerable and to the mercy of others is one of the scariest things to encounter, and its because I haven’t come completely to terms with full self acceptance of the “whole” me….the whole is the good, the bad, the ugly and the crazy ….and that’s where the real fear in this situation with my personal stuff being stolen lies because that is what I will be facing should something occur out of the situation, that parts of me that I tried to hide will be exposed for the whole world to see…and I had to go head to head with that fear last night and come to the conclusion that I am me….for me to be me then I have to accept all of me….the photos reflect all different aspects of me that have been captured in a specific moment in time…..and I have to accept it all and for anybody who will ever love me to accept as well….

on a personal level its easy to yearn for one to accept u as is, however when u only show a certain part of yourself and try to hide the rest then it can be really difficult for somebody to see the “whole” you and accept it, even urself…for me that also goes on a broader level

I feel so much better today !